Would You Open this Brand New Can of Salted Circus Cashews?

So, here it goes.

My hopefully last can of Salted Circus Cashews which I saved and intended to give it to you.

I guess, looking where we are now, we’re back to square one, aren’t we?

We’ve been there, haven’t we? Indecisive, we were asking ourselves are we ready to open this brand new can of salted circus cashews? Should we give it a try? But we don’t know what’s inside of it. The packaging looks promising though, we thought. So how can you guarantee that this particular can instead of having a fake snake lurking on it, there are actually a bunch of savory and delicious cashews inside?

I’ve been asking myself all along since the day I asked you out, did I come off as too strong? Were you flustered by my sudden move? Are you one of those typical alpha males who doesn’t like getting asked out first by girls? Or perhaps are you emotionally unavailable at the moment?

The thing is the execution was foggy and unclear. You wouldn’t say that it was a date, but it was for me since I didn’t have a lot myself. And I personally think it went well. It was better than I was expected. It wasn’t awkward at all, like I can say I’m comfortable with myself around you. And you talked about yourself a lot. That means a good sign, yes? You even talked about your past relationships which both didn’t end well. You also mentioned that now instead of finding your significant other based on what your mom likes, you want to find someone who you actually like, who actually fits you. You know, good for you.

So, can’t it be me?

Or this. This. This particular sentence. This is too bold for you? This is too strong, huh?

I kept asking myself if, you know, I did something wrong. Is it because I didn’t say thanks for today after the date? But let’s be honest it’s cringe, right? It’s not my thing. And seeing how you didn’t text me that too, it isn’t your thing either. In fact, you didn’t reply to my text twice. So, I was left alone assuming that maybe texting isn’t your thing which made me come to the conclusion not to say anything about the date so that I wouldn’t be left on read again for the third time. And then again and I quote “just a hang out”. Excuse me, so what would you expect I’m supposed to say? Thanks for paying? Next time will be on me? Well, sure. I do owe you next time.

But I don’t want to be the one who is going to ask for the next time, you know. It would make me look too desperate and pathetic, don’t you think?

Or maybe is it because I smoke? Or drink? Fuck off, don’t be too naive. Everyone does that. Or is it because I talked about the time when I went to a club with a friend who is a guy? Relax, I just haven’t told you the whole story because if you find out that this friend of mine is gay and it turns out that we don’t have the same view on LGBTQ+ or worse you might be a homophobic, that would make a bigger problem, right? Well, this friend of mine is gay. It’s all platonic. We are friends. Chill.

Honestly, there’s one more thing that I want to add. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t super open about myself. But that’s the me problem. It’s nothing against you.

Well, here is a thing about me. I told my bestfriend, the gay one, yes. I told him almost everything by the way, he is the one who encouraged me to ask you out in the first place. I told him that maybe, regarding dating and relationship, the problem is all with me. There is this Tiktok that just completely exposed me, here is the link:

He pretty much says, “Am I afraid of commitment? Or am I afraid that I’m not worthy of being committed to? And so I keep myself away from all these intimate relationships? You know, because if they see me, if they see my true colors then they’re gonna leave and prove that I’m not worthy. Is that it? Ugh. No, no. I’m definitely just afraid of commitment.”

When I said that I never had any romantic relationship before, this is the farthest I could explain.

I am afraid of commitment.

It’s a hard pill to swallow as I’ve just recently realized it myself. But there, there. There, I said it.

I am afraid of someone getting too close to me because when they actually know me for who I am, the plain original me, I just think they will eventually leave. Maybe what the Tiktok guy says is true that I’m just not worthy of being committed to, that I’m just not worthy of being loved. So, before things get too complex, I have a tendency to leave them first before they leave me because of a mere reason that I’m not this person they project me to be. And you know, I’m not ready to face all the aftermath it’s going to cause when I am left alone wondering which of the part that goes wrong. I’m not ready to pick up all my broken pieces only for them to be broken all over again in the end. Why bother? What’s with all the fuss?

Sure. I did a good job designing the packaging of my Salted Circus Cashews, didn’t I? Otherwise you wouldn't say yes to the “hang out”. I look decent, right? I know I’m not the prettiest nor the skinniest girl out there, but at least I have a pretty good sense of fashion. I’m not the smartest either, but I graduated from a well known university and I like to read, mostly fiction, but still I’m well-read. I know things and I’m not dumb. So, why wouldn’t I do? Why?

Or perhaps are these what makes it too intimidating? Am I too much for you?

To be completely honest, I think you’re cute. How you said you still sleep with your mom. How your favorite kind of movies/series is a teenage romance like Kissing Booth and Emily in Paris. How you asked me my star sign (I was kinda hesitant at first to bring up this topic because you know, men and their thinking that astrology is just some dumb shit and whatnot). All the kind and sweet gesture. Don’t think I didn’t notice those. You were just too sweet, I bet you get this a lot coming from girls. It makes me wonder what kind of girls would leave you when you are this one sweet creature.

And I think you’re really brave too, how you admitted that getting a master degree isn’t for you. I respect that. Not a lot of people, especially men, will think the same way. It’s really cool that you know what you want to do with your life.

As for me, I don’t like to study, either. But getting a master and finally learning something that I’m actually passionate about like creative writing or gender studies, I wouldn’t want to miss that, you know. For me, it’s not merely about getting a degree. It’s more to the process of getting myself exposed to what’s out there to know and write about.

I once told this gay friend of mine that I hate typical straight men with all their pride and toxic masculinity slogan written in their forehead.

And then you happened to come along. A living proof of a sweet guy whose masculinity can’t be measured by the typical straight men standard a.k.a not fragile.

How’d you think that makes me?

Have you read the short story Salted Circus Cashews from Raphael Bob-Waksberg’s Someone Who Will Love You in All Your Damaged Glory (the first two pictures ((for references)))?

You’re still not opening the can, aren’t you? I get it. I get that maybe all these were too sudden and out of nowhere. Maybe you prefer almonds over cashews. Maybe you’re still afraid of the slight off-chance getting the one with a pretend snake inside of it.

But for God’s sake and all that.

You, dummy. If you think I don’t like you, why would I bother asking you out in the first place?

Why would I bother making a playlist for you?

Why would I bother crying my heart out in a piece of writing just for you to hear me clearly?

Why would I bother undressing myself naked when I’m usually covered in layers and layers of fabric?

And if you still don’t believe it, allow me to borrow this Virginia Woolf’s swearing phrase:

You’re a long-eared owl and ass.

But then again, I won’t spend my time chasing someone who won’t chase me back. As Maggie Nelson in Bluets said,

“And what kind of madness is it anyway, to be in love with something constitutionally incapable of loving you back?”

No, I’m not gonna be that kind of madness. I have made a promise to myself to find someone whom I will love in all their damaged glory and who will also love me in all my damaged glory.

I gave you my sign. This is my hurricane. Thunderstorm. My earthquake.

Now it’s your turn.

Show me.

Tell me you will give this Salted Circus Cashews a chance.

Ask me on a date.

Or not.

Your choice.